the skeleton key

OH MY EFFING FUCK! THE EFFING SKELETON KEY!
HOLY SHITTING FUCK!....

Sorry. I'll begin:

Fucking shit, this movie is terrible! Okay, so, good god it's awful!
I'm trying, I'm sorry....

So, the film is about this chick who moves to this new town for
no apparent reason and moves in with a woman to help take care
of her invalid husband, even though the wife does not work and stays
home full time and has been doing this on her own for years as she states
in the movie and is still completely capable of doing it on her own! Jesus!
this film is vomit!

The woman is given a skeleton key which "unlocks every door in the house"...
Yeah, that's what they were ALWAYS FOR!!! FUCK! Sorry. So, of course, there
is one room that it will NOT open, the attic, and when asked about the room it
is just said that they "don't go in there..... We never go in there..." So, our hero
wanders around in the dark, FOR THE WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE! THEY
DON'T HAVE LIGHTS ANYWHERE IN THIS FILM! THE GAS STATION HAS
NO LIGHTS ON! THE HOUSE DOESN'T HAVE ELECTRICITY OR SOMETHING,
AND SHIT! I'm renaming this movie!

Here's my review for "The so fucking dark that you strain your eyes too much to notice how awful the plot is":

So, our hero heads, in the dark, to the room again, only the room is unlocked. Yes, that's right! She doesn't even use the skeleton key.
In fact, it's unlocked for the rest of the movie and the skeleton key is NEVER NEEDED FOR ANYTHING! I want to shoot myself in the dick!... Wait. That won't fix this movie.
So, skeleton key out of the way for the rest of the film. It's not used at all. Ever!

So, she learns a dark secret about the town and the condition of her non speaking invalid
that she's pointlessly taking care of: The mirrors of the house are haunted by BLACK PEOPLE!
Oh, my god! what?!? .... WHAT?!? So, the wife of the invalid goes on about how black slaves
took the children and taught them voodoo, and now they haunt the mirrors... sweet mother of fuck! So, once you get past how much sense that doesn't make, they do make a point of
using the mirrors as a plot device... ONCE! YEAH, ONLY ONCE, AND THEY DON'T SHOW
IT! SO, THEY SHOW US NOTHING! goddammit... Anywho, they are done with mirrors as
well, so we're back to just being in the dark. Quite literally. The whole film is in the dark.
Not CSI-we-work-with-the-lights-off-blue-hue-but-you-can-still-see dark, but actual dark.
Shit, you can see the movie without renting it by just turning your lights off at night, and
trying to navigate around your place. Pretend you have a plot, and there you go. The fucking Skeleton Key!

So, the movie goes nowhere until you realize it makes even less sense by our invalid turning out to be that way because of HIS WIFE using VOODOO on HIM that is suppose to add HIS remaining years to HER life so SHE can live longer, but just gives him the appearance of having had a stroke.
Now the woman takes care of him instead of killing him, thus PROLONGING HER OWN PLAN of adding years to her life, by using those years to take care of a strokey invalid!!! WTF?!?

I won't give away the ending, but I will say that it is equally dark (not creepy, just that you can't see shit)and stupid.

Fuck! And there is no happy ending for me I'm afraid. I've seen "The Skeleton Key"
which is never used in this film...

-Sleeve-